"Kill The Gays" a threat to the whole of Africa!

My schedule for the day: I get up at 5.45am, have a shower, wake up my sleepy partner, get dressed, feed the cat, pack lunches, go to work for 9 hours, finish work, go to gym or taekwondo, come home make dinner, spend time with my partner, watch t.v. and go to bed! I pay my taxes, I contribute to the economy, and I give back to my community.
The only difference is that I am a lesbian. I love a woman. I live with a woman. I am married to a woman. I make love to a woman.
In Uganda I would face life imprisonment if not death.

What is wrong with the state of the world? Has the world gone mad? Has the world forgotten about Hitler, Sadam Hussein, Idi Amin?

Have the people of South Africa forgotten about Apartheid?

Correctional rape of lesbians is rife in our country and nothing is being done about it! The police laugh at the women who report it. Is this what human rights is about.

David Bahiti is a Ugandan Minister of Parliment who has proposed a "Kill the Homosexuals and Lesbians and save our children" bill.

Yesterday a BBC World Debate and Protest was held at the Urban Studios in Johannesburg South Africa.
"Is homosexuality un-african?"

This monster is a threat not only to the Gay community in Uganda but to the rest of Africa.

He proclaims that the homosexuals are going into Ugandan schools and trying to recruit kids to be gay! and he has proof! proof that he has never published.
What was published was a list of known gay activists and all their personal details, this lead to the death of David Kato, who was killed outside his house by a hammer to the head.

Here I was sitting in an audience of people from all different cultures and back grounds, it was so scary to see how so many of the straight african men agree with this stupid, ignorant man who cannot tell the difference between human trafficking, peodaphilia and Homosexuality. There is no corollation between them!

Can they not see that this is promoting hatred, intollerence and violence against gay/lesbian people and its going against all of which our beloved Madiba tried so hard to eradicate.

Bahiti said he was a Christian and it was Gods law to punish all the gays by death.
What bible does he read? Chritianity, Judiasm and Islam promote compassion and love, its only the fundamentatlists who promote the opposite.

Speaking to friends after the show, white people in South Africa are very complacement. I was actually told by a friend of mine that this situation doesnt concern her, Politics is not "her thing".

Yes it is, if this bill passes in the Ugandan Government what stops this from spreading to the rest of Africa, South Africa included!?

Is the world going to sit back and watch just as they did during the Holocaust?

I fear for my Gay and Lesbian "family" in Africa.

Dont stop fighting! We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity!

To Bahiti, you are a bastard, you are the same as Hitler, you are a vicious monster and do not deserve to call yourself a human being, lets hope the world recognises that too!
You have blood on your hands!

Please watch the interviews with Rachel Maddow.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/09/rachel-maddow-bahati-uganda-gays_n_794271.html

To “come out” or not to “come out” at work is the question?

In my years of working, coming out to my bosses and company has always been a difficult decision to make.

Declaring your sexual orientation to your work colleagues and company is scary for most people.

There is the opinion of why we need to, why we need to inform people of our orientation after all straight people don’t declare that they are straight.

I recently moved to a new company 6 months ago to a fairly conservative company where there are only 4 gay people including myself at our head office of 200.
I thought I would keep it to myself and hide my relationship, I was doing well until my colleague / friend invited me to her birthday party and forgot to inform me that some of my new colleagues would be there.

I walked in with my fiancé and got such a fright, I almost walked right out of the party after seeing my colleagues. What would they say? What would they think? Would they treat me differently at work? Would they tell the rest of the company? Would they gossip behind my back?

What do I do? I did what I would normally do in an uncomfortable situation at a party, head for the bar and drink a shot of “Dutch Courage”! After that I waited until they saw me and I introduced my colleagues to my future wife and waited for their reactions.

They really surprised me, they did start treating me differently, they opened up to me and welcomed me to the company and to the team with no judgment and when I got married they all contributed towards a lovely gift.

I am very lucky but there are people who have not had the acceptance in their companies, who have lost their jobs or have had derogatory comments made to them and behind their backs.

Some pro’s and con’s to consider before coming out at work:

Pros of Coming Out at Work

- You no longer have to lie about what you did over the weekend and who you did it with.
- It may end rude jokes or comments about gays and lesbians from co-workers.
- You may become closer to co-workers now that you are more open about yourself
- The stress of living a double life may go away. Your confidence and job performance could improve.
- The stress of having to hide a part of yourself may go away.

Cons of Coming Out at Your Job

- You may be fired, or let-go.
- Some co-workers may treat you differently now that they know you are gay.
- Just because you are out at work does not mean your co-workers will treat your partner as they do partners of straight co-workers.

Before you come out of the closet wearing carrying the flag and singing “I’m here, I’m queer, where is the beer” make sure you are ready. Make sure that you are ready for the negative reactions if there are any, make sure that you are wearing your leather skin to protect your feelings for nasty comments and gossip.

Assess your company, find out if there are other lesbians or gay people working there, and try get in touch with them.

Assess whether you work in a hostile or a homophobic environment, you coming out may not help the situation.

Find out if the company has a non-discrimination policy that includes protection of same sex orientation.

Although South Africa has quite a progressive constitution, small minded, bigoted people still exist in this day and age and in the world, people who still deny the holocaust and people who still believe the apartheid was a good system and people who think that raping a lesbian will set them right.

If you know that your boss is out right homophobic and has power over you, maybe coming out to him/her might not be the right decision right now.

Good luck, be careful and always be true to yourself!

2010 what an exciting year

As we approach the end of 2010...I have decided to take a look back at this years acheivements....
what an exciting year 2010 has been!

April 2010: I propose to my girl! she says yes! we have 8 months to plan a wedding!

June 2010: from pure frustration of my last job to starting a wonderful one, its the happiest I have ever been in a job.

June 2010: South Africa hosts a successful soccer world cup, I go to my first live match.

August 2010: I bought a new car. I have never owned a car younger than 10 years old so having a 1 year old car for me is really an achievement and being able to pay it off and still have some money left over is also a huge financial achievment.

October 2010: my partner and I chose a house together, there is something to say about moving into a house that you chose with someone you want to be with, a home where there is no baggage of any exes.

October 2010: My sister gets engaged.

November 23rd 2010, the day I achieved my Taekwondo 1st degree recommended.

November 2010: we move in! even our cat is happy and very much at home.

November 2010: my sister finally has her engagement party! I come out to the rest of the family much to my mother's dismay!

November 2010: my mother decides that she wants to join us in our celebration. My father decides he does not.

December 16th, 2010 - what a momentous occasion - my partner and I tied the knot, took the plunge, got hitched! what an incredible day full of love, laughter and happiness. A day we will never forget.

What will 2011 bring?
I hope it is filled with adventure, success, love and laughter!

Giving......

Kahlil Gibran quotes “You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”

I organised a Taekwondo demo for about 40 kids at our company annual christmas party which they throw for an orphanage.

To watch these kids who have no parents, who have never experienced what many of us grew up with things as simple as a garden to play in or a new toy.

While others complain these kids were just too happy to play on the jumping castle and learn Taekwondo.

I spent most of my time playing with the kids, throwing the little ones around on the jumping castle and teaching the older kids more Taekwondo moves.

I was so touched by their smiles, their laughter and complete joy at being able to be kids.

It was food for my soul....

I am at a loss for words as I cannot explain how wonderful it was.

Some Gay terms...

Here are some weird and wonderful gay / lesbian terms that you may or may not have heard about:

Hanky code?
The hanky code is a signaling system used by gay men and members of the fetish and BDSM communities to indicate sexual preference. Signals in the hanky code are conveyed by wearing a handkerchief of a specific color or pattern in either the right or left back pocket, conveying preference to anyone in the vicinity who is familiar with the concept of the hanky code. While wearing a hanky, someone is said to be “flagging,” and the hanky code is known as flagging, the bandanna code, or the handkerchief code.


Some people have suggested that the basics of the hanky code may go as far back to the 1800s, when men in isolated regions of the American West would wear red handkerchiefs to indicate that they were willing to take a woman's role in a dance. However, this is probably apocryphal, and has never been verified. More solidly, the seeds for the hanky code appear to have been sown in the 1970s, when gay men first started wearing handkerchiefs according to guidelines published in The Village Voice, a newspaper in New York City.

There are a number of advantages to the hanky code which explain why it endures to this day. In the 1970s, when the gay community was less outspoken, the hanky code allowed gay men to communicate with each other without attracting attention, and allowed men to more easily scope out potential dates. In communities where the hanky code was prevalent, men knew that pursuing men who weren't flagging could be risky, and they could seek out partners on the basis of preference by checking their back pockets.

This code also turned out to be handy in crowded environments like gay bars, where the noise and crowd could make it hard to establish a connection with someone. As the hanky code spread in the gay community, it began to be picked up more generally in the fetish and BDSM communities, and complex permutations of colors, patterns, and placements began to proliferate.

As a general rule, someone who flags in the left pocket indicates that he or she is a top, while someone who flags in the right pocket is a bottom. Bottoms prefer to participate as recipients in sexual and fetish encounters, while tops prefer just the opposite.

Knowing about the hanky code can be useful if you are traveling to an area with a large queer or fetish-oriented population, as you might unwittingly send out a signal if you leave a handkerchief in your back pocket. However, many people rely on other social cues beyond the hanky code; if you happen to have, for example, a gray handkerchief in your right pocket while innocently riding the subway, you are unlikely to be ravaged by eager bondage tops, although someone might approach with a courteous introduction.

Gay Panic?
Gay panic is a rarely used criminal defense in which the defendant claims that he or she was so offended or upset at the revelation that the victim was homosexual that a state of temporary insanity occurred. One of the most high profile cases in which the gay panic defense was used involved Matthew Shepard, a University of Wyoming student who was viciously murdered in 1998 because of his sexual orientation.


According to the logic behind this defense, the perpetrator of a crime is thrown into a state of intense confusion and upset when the sexual orientation or gender of the victim is revealed. This state made the defendant temporarily incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong, thereby leading to an assault or murder as the defendant “instinctively” struck out at the victim. Gay panic could occur as a result of sexual advances, argue lawyers who use this defense, or it might occur when a transgender individual is outed, as was the case with Gwen Araujo, a transwoman who was murdered in 2002.

This defense is designed to reduce the culpability of the defendant in the eyes of the jury, thereby generating a reduced sentence. Defendants who use the gay panic defense are rarely absolved altogether, but the gay panic may be regarded as a mitigating circumstance which justifies a reduction of penalties.

Critics of this defense argue that because homosexuality is growing much more accepted in society, the likelihood of totally panicking at the revelation of someone's sexual orientation is unlikely. Furthermore, the gay panic defense has been used in cases where premeditation was involved, suggesting that the defendant had time to cool down and consider the situation, and he or she decided to proceed with the crime anyway.

Opponents to the gay panic defense would like to see cases like these prosecuted as hate crimes, in addition to being treated as assault or murder cases. They suggest that people who assault people on the basis of their sexual or gender orientation are fully aware of what they are doing, and while they may proceed with such assaults because of violent emotions, they are not in a state of temporary insanity. Prosecutors in several regions around the world have banded together to fight the gay panic defense, arguing that they will crack down on defense teams who attempt to use it.

Bug Party:
Bug parties are private functions, sometimes with multiple participants, where HIV positive men (at these parties called gift givers) and HIV negative men (bug chasers) willingly have unprotected sex. This often leads to the infection of the HIV negative person.

Gift Giver: An HIV positive gay man who deliberately transmits the virus, often times to bug chasers, or those willing to contract it.

Drag Top:
A drag queen that is sexually a top. Many assume drag queens are femme and therefore do not enjoy dominant sexual roles. Drag tops break this myth.

Fag Stag: A straight man drawn to the company of gay men, as aposed to Fag Hag A straight woman drawn to the company of gay men.

Party and Play:
Individual or group sex while using drugs or alcohol.

Bear:
A gay man that has a lot of body and/or facial hair. Bears are often considered to have "cuddly" bodies.

I was trying think what terms lesbians use, I have some of my own:
"LetPet" is a straight man that hangs around with lesbians!

I need to think of more!

Emotional Abuse - Break the cycle!

The past couple of days and I have been trying to understand my family's reaction to my getting married and its led me to alot of scary conclusions which has led me to do alot of research on the internet about emotional abuse and perhaps I might need to go back to therapy!
Below is the information that I have found:

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Types of Emotional Abuse

Abusive Expectations

The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

Aggressing

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.

Constant Chaos

The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.

Denying

Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.

Dominating

Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail

The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
Invalidation

The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation

Minimizing

Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.

Unpredictable Responses

Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
Verbal Assaults

· Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening

· Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.

· Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abuser are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt , fear, and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings, and self-perceptions.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

This is what emotionally abusive parents do to teens. They teach them that they don't matter. They teach them their feelings aren't important. They teach them not to even try to fill their own needs. They teach them that their lives are worth nothing. They teach that they are of no use to anyone and they are only a burden. Then teach them not to ask for help. They teach them to feel guilty for having needs. – “the words it doesn’t matter, I am fine”



Healthy basic needs in a relationship:
The need for good will from the others.
The need for emotional support.
The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance
The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.
The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.
The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.
The need for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.
The need to live free from criticism and judgment.
The need to have your work and your interests respected.
The need for encouragement.
The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.
The need for freedom from from angry outburst and rage.
The need for freedom from labels which devalue you.
The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
The need to have your final decisions accepted.
The need for privacy at times.

I have chosen to be aware and I work very hard to break this cycle of abuse!
I choose to love myself!
and I choose to be loved!

Response to a family member!

Below is just how much my girl loves me and is hurting too!

Dearest J*,

I respectfully plead that you cease to share the *Family* toxic goings on with R*

She doesn’t need to hear it, and I am sure it is not intended to be shared with her either, and if intended for her, can be said directly to her by her mom and dad. This constant reel of feedback about all their heartbreak, anger, disappoint and disapproval is just keeping these wounds raw, bleeding and open. Time to let things heal.

I know what is going on and has been said, and trust me, the versions you have been given are highly exaggerated, and I can only guess it is to mask their own guilt. There is a great love for the dramatic in that family, R* included. I* and R* are in no way innocent of their own passive aggressive mudslinging either.

Do not, for a single second, believe R* would ever have come to our wedding. That is their method of deflection for their own shame, they need some tangible reason to now vindicate them in their actions. What R*said to her Mom was in no way inflamatory. And if, for a moment, we pretend R* was going to come, I cannot fathom the level of pettiness and sheer nastiness that she would then renege because of something so small, to punish her daughter, to punish R*?!?!?!?! That would almost be a greater indictment on them, than just saying no and staying away as they are. We will not buy into any of it.

R* has every right to be angry, she need not appologies to anyone for her emotions, or be chastised for them. She has done no wrong, other than love me, and want an authentic life for herself, supported by her friends and family. Why must she be silent, and treat their ill feelings as a priority over her hurt? I see no reason she should. I have always played devils advocate with her, and tried to get her to see all sides. I have reached a point where I cannot see the other point of view, it is unfathomable. And it does matter, it is not a “So What” moment. It matters now, it will matter on the day, and it will always mater, and always be remembered.

You may react in anger towards me for my email, that is ok. We are all full of emotions at the moment. It is definitely my place to say something, and I have held my tongue enough now. Rach and I have a wonderful supportive, accepting, embracing family. My parents love her dearly, as do my sister, brother, neices, nephew, Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and even the extended family of in-laws on my sisters side, her parents loss, will become all of our absolute gain. And they will loose, they have already, and it is beyond repair, and that is entirely of their own doing, and any attempt to deflect and blame anyone else will definitely be seen right through as just that by us.

I love you, and thank you for being such a support to R*, and for loving her. This is not your fight, you cannot be the mediator without risking taking sides, which is not necessary to do when you love them all.
Let’s all focus on the good stuff now, and lets talk about and share the positives, and stop giving so much life and energy to the negative.

Much Love
C*