2010 what an exciting year

As we approach the end of 2010...I have decided to take a look back at this years acheivements....
what an exciting year 2010 has been!

April 2010: I propose to my girl! she says yes! we have 8 months to plan a wedding!

June 2010: from pure frustration of my last job to starting a wonderful one, its the happiest I have ever been in a job.

June 2010: South Africa hosts a successful soccer world cup, I go to my first live match.

August 2010: I bought a new car. I have never owned a car younger than 10 years old so having a 1 year old car for me is really an achievement and being able to pay it off and still have some money left over is also a huge financial achievment.

October 2010: my partner and I chose a house together, there is something to say about moving into a house that you chose with someone you want to be with, a home where there is no baggage of any exes.

October 2010: My sister gets engaged.

November 23rd 2010, the day I achieved my Taekwondo 1st degree recommended.

November 2010: we move in! even our cat is happy and very much at home.

November 2010: my sister finally has her engagement party! I come out to the rest of the family much to my mother's dismay!

November 2010: my mother decides that she wants to join us in our celebration. My father decides he does not.

December 16th, 2010 - what a momentous occasion - my partner and I tied the knot, took the plunge, got hitched! what an incredible day full of love, laughter and happiness. A day we will never forget.

What will 2011 bring?
I hope it is filled with adventure, success, love and laughter!

Giving......

Kahlil Gibran quotes “You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”

I organised a Taekwondo demo for about 40 kids at our company annual christmas party which they throw for an orphanage.

To watch these kids who have no parents, who have never experienced what many of us grew up with things as simple as a garden to play in or a new toy.

While others complain these kids were just too happy to play on the jumping castle and learn Taekwondo.

I spent most of my time playing with the kids, throwing the little ones around on the jumping castle and teaching the older kids more Taekwondo moves.

I was so touched by their smiles, their laughter and complete joy at being able to be kids.

It was food for my soul....

I am at a loss for words as I cannot explain how wonderful it was.

Some Gay terms...

Here are some weird and wonderful gay / lesbian terms that you may or may not have heard about:

Hanky code?
The hanky code is a signaling system used by gay men and members of the fetish and BDSM communities to indicate sexual preference. Signals in the hanky code are conveyed by wearing a handkerchief of a specific color or pattern in either the right or left back pocket, conveying preference to anyone in the vicinity who is familiar with the concept of the hanky code. While wearing a hanky, someone is said to be “flagging,” and the hanky code is known as flagging, the bandanna code, or the handkerchief code.


Some people have suggested that the basics of the hanky code may go as far back to the 1800s, when men in isolated regions of the American West would wear red handkerchiefs to indicate that they were willing to take a woman's role in a dance. However, this is probably apocryphal, and has never been verified. More solidly, the seeds for the hanky code appear to have been sown in the 1970s, when gay men first started wearing handkerchiefs according to guidelines published in The Village Voice, a newspaper in New York City.

There are a number of advantages to the hanky code which explain why it endures to this day. In the 1970s, when the gay community was less outspoken, the hanky code allowed gay men to communicate with each other without attracting attention, and allowed men to more easily scope out potential dates. In communities where the hanky code was prevalent, men knew that pursuing men who weren't flagging could be risky, and they could seek out partners on the basis of preference by checking their back pockets.

This code also turned out to be handy in crowded environments like gay bars, where the noise and crowd could make it hard to establish a connection with someone. As the hanky code spread in the gay community, it began to be picked up more generally in the fetish and BDSM communities, and complex permutations of colors, patterns, and placements began to proliferate.

As a general rule, someone who flags in the left pocket indicates that he or she is a top, while someone who flags in the right pocket is a bottom. Bottoms prefer to participate as recipients in sexual and fetish encounters, while tops prefer just the opposite.

Knowing about the hanky code can be useful if you are traveling to an area with a large queer or fetish-oriented population, as you might unwittingly send out a signal if you leave a handkerchief in your back pocket. However, many people rely on other social cues beyond the hanky code; if you happen to have, for example, a gray handkerchief in your right pocket while innocently riding the subway, you are unlikely to be ravaged by eager bondage tops, although someone might approach with a courteous introduction.

Gay Panic?
Gay panic is a rarely used criminal defense in which the defendant claims that he or she was so offended or upset at the revelation that the victim was homosexual that a state of temporary insanity occurred. One of the most high profile cases in which the gay panic defense was used involved Matthew Shepard, a University of Wyoming student who was viciously murdered in 1998 because of his sexual orientation.


According to the logic behind this defense, the perpetrator of a crime is thrown into a state of intense confusion and upset when the sexual orientation or gender of the victim is revealed. This state made the defendant temporarily incapable of distinguishing between right and wrong, thereby leading to an assault or murder as the defendant “instinctively” struck out at the victim. Gay panic could occur as a result of sexual advances, argue lawyers who use this defense, or it might occur when a transgender individual is outed, as was the case with Gwen Araujo, a transwoman who was murdered in 2002.

This defense is designed to reduce the culpability of the defendant in the eyes of the jury, thereby generating a reduced sentence. Defendants who use the gay panic defense are rarely absolved altogether, but the gay panic may be regarded as a mitigating circumstance which justifies a reduction of penalties.

Critics of this defense argue that because homosexuality is growing much more accepted in society, the likelihood of totally panicking at the revelation of someone's sexual orientation is unlikely. Furthermore, the gay panic defense has been used in cases where premeditation was involved, suggesting that the defendant had time to cool down and consider the situation, and he or she decided to proceed with the crime anyway.

Opponents to the gay panic defense would like to see cases like these prosecuted as hate crimes, in addition to being treated as assault or murder cases. They suggest that people who assault people on the basis of their sexual or gender orientation are fully aware of what they are doing, and while they may proceed with such assaults because of violent emotions, they are not in a state of temporary insanity. Prosecutors in several regions around the world have banded together to fight the gay panic defense, arguing that they will crack down on defense teams who attempt to use it.

Bug Party:
Bug parties are private functions, sometimes with multiple participants, where HIV positive men (at these parties called gift givers) and HIV negative men (bug chasers) willingly have unprotected sex. This often leads to the infection of the HIV negative person.

Gift Giver: An HIV positive gay man who deliberately transmits the virus, often times to bug chasers, or those willing to contract it.

Drag Top:
A drag queen that is sexually a top. Many assume drag queens are femme and therefore do not enjoy dominant sexual roles. Drag tops break this myth.

Fag Stag: A straight man drawn to the company of gay men, as aposed to Fag Hag A straight woman drawn to the company of gay men.

Party and Play:
Individual or group sex while using drugs or alcohol.

Bear:
A gay man that has a lot of body and/or facial hair. Bears are often considered to have "cuddly" bodies.

I was trying think what terms lesbians use, I have some of my own:
"LetPet" is a straight man that hangs around with lesbians!

I need to think of more!

Emotional Abuse - Break the cycle!

The past couple of days and I have been trying to understand my family's reaction to my getting married and its led me to alot of scary conclusions which has led me to do alot of research on the internet about emotional abuse and perhaps I might need to go back to therapy!
Below is the information that I have found:

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Types of Emotional Abuse

Abusive Expectations

The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

Aggressing

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.

Constant Chaos

The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.

Denying

Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.

Dominating

Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail

The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
Invalidation

The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation

Minimizing

Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.

Unpredictable Responses

Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
Verbal Assaults

· Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening

· Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.

· Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abuser are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt , fear, and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings, and self-perceptions.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

This is what emotionally abusive parents do to teens. They teach them that they don't matter. They teach them their feelings aren't important. They teach them not to even try to fill their own needs. They teach them that their lives are worth nothing. They teach that they are of no use to anyone and they are only a burden. Then teach them not to ask for help. They teach them to feel guilty for having needs. – “the words it doesn’t matter, I am fine”



Healthy basic needs in a relationship:
The need for good will from the others.
The need for emotional support.
The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance
The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.
The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.
The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.
The need for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.
The need to live free from criticism and judgment.
The need to have your work and your interests respected.
The need for encouragement.
The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.
The need for freedom from from angry outburst and rage.
The need for freedom from labels which devalue you.
The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
The need to have your final decisions accepted.
The need for privacy at times.

I have chosen to be aware and I work very hard to break this cycle of abuse!
I choose to love myself!
and I choose to be loved!

Response to a family member!

Below is just how much my girl loves me and is hurting too!

Dearest J*,

I respectfully plead that you cease to share the *Family* toxic goings on with R*

She doesn’t need to hear it, and I am sure it is not intended to be shared with her either, and if intended for her, can be said directly to her by her mom and dad. This constant reel of feedback about all their heartbreak, anger, disappoint and disapproval is just keeping these wounds raw, bleeding and open. Time to let things heal.

I know what is going on and has been said, and trust me, the versions you have been given are highly exaggerated, and I can only guess it is to mask their own guilt. There is a great love for the dramatic in that family, R* included. I* and R* are in no way innocent of their own passive aggressive mudslinging either.

Do not, for a single second, believe R* would ever have come to our wedding. That is their method of deflection for their own shame, they need some tangible reason to now vindicate them in their actions. What R*said to her Mom was in no way inflamatory. And if, for a moment, we pretend R* was going to come, I cannot fathom the level of pettiness and sheer nastiness that she would then renege because of something so small, to punish her daughter, to punish R*?!?!?!?! That would almost be a greater indictment on them, than just saying no and staying away as they are. We will not buy into any of it.

R* has every right to be angry, she need not appologies to anyone for her emotions, or be chastised for them. She has done no wrong, other than love me, and want an authentic life for herself, supported by her friends and family. Why must she be silent, and treat their ill feelings as a priority over her hurt? I see no reason she should. I have always played devils advocate with her, and tried to get her to see all sides. I have reached a point where I cannot see the other point of view, it is unfathomable. And it does matter, it is not a “So What” moment. It matters now, it will matter on the day, and it will always mater, and always be remembered.

You may react in anger towards me for my email, that is ok. We are all full of emotions at the moment. It is definitely my place to say something, and I have held my tongue enough now. Rach and I have a wonderful supportive, accepting, embracing family. My parents love her dearly, as do my sister, brother, neices, nephew, Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and even the extended family of in-laws on my sisters side, her parents loss, will become all of our absolute gain. And they will loose, they have already, and it is beyond repair, and that is entirely of their own doing, and any attempt to deflect and blame anyone else will definitely be seen right through as just that by us.

I love you, and thank you for being such a support to R*, and for loving her. This is not your fight, you cannot be the mediator without risking taking sides, which is not necessary to do when you love them all.
Let’s all focus on the good stuff now, and lets talk about and share the positives, and stop giving so much life and energy to the negative.

Much Love
C*

Letter to my parents

I found this letter that I wrote to my folks one night:

Hi,
Just wanted to write to you and tell u both how much I love u. Life is so short, we would love u both to cone to our wedding. I know u think its wrong and its not want u want for me. I am so happy. C* is my life partner, I would probably be dead if it wasn't for her. And that is the gods honest truth, she has truly changed my life. I am a different person I am a changed person, I have a reason for living. I want to spend the rest of life loving her and I want you and mom to witness the love we have for each other.
I hope you read this and think about it. I am not asking you to be at the ceremony if you don't want to but please come to the reception and experience the best day of my life.
I love you both dearly.
Xxx
I know that I don't live the life that u choose for me, but it is the life that I have chosen.
Xxx
Please re-consider you keep telling me that life is too short.
Love always
R*

FAMILIES, LOVE, ISOLATION AND ACCEPTANCE

FAMILIES, LOVE, ISOLATION AND ACCEPTANCE (author unknown)


Saturday, 26 June 2010


Of all the relationships that we will encounter in our lifetime, our family ties are usually the most intense, tightly organised and consist of the strongest loyalties. We want to stay connected to our families and so we nurture and protect these relationships.

There is comfort and a feeling of safety in having a history with these people and seeing the similarities we have with one another. So imagine what it is like to tell your family that you are lesbian or gay. That you are a minority in your own family.

Imagine your fear of introducing something so different and sometimes despised. Imagine fearing that not only will you lose the support and respect of society but also the respect and love of your own family. It is chilling.

My father likes to proudly shout "Gansa Mishpachah!" when he knows the "whole family" is coming together. He loves it. But there was a time when that shout was not as proudly declared and having "Gansa Mishpachah" meant tension.

I told my parents I was gay when I was 18. It was one of the most frightening things I ever did. I felt I could have lost everything. At the time there were no role models, nothing to give me direction in how to proceed with this. I was alone.

I had nothing at the time other than therapists and literature telling me and my parents that I was gay because of how I was raised. So, you can imagine the pain, guilt and devastation when I told them.

I tried to tell my mother originally at the age of 15, during the Chanukah season. I was driving with my driver's permit and we were on the expressway. My timing was not great. I started crying, telling her I had something awful to tell her.

I started by telling her I was different. I could not go on. She lovingly touched my shoulder and told me that everything would be fine, and she gave me some Chanukah money. She then got me in therapy.

Although the first therapist I had pathologised my gayness, he at least provided me with a safe forum to talk about it at length, which totally desensitised me. I needed this. But I needed more.

What did I need as a gay teenager? I needed to be applauded for the courage to talk about it at all. I needed to explore my sexuality without someone telling me that being straight was a better way to be. I needed to be told that my mother did a good thing by taking me to therapy.

I really believe that. Later she would tell me that she had some idea that I was gay but did not know what to do about it. She felt that when you do not know what to do, you ask for help. And, knowing she had limitations on what to do with this subject, she did get me help.

When I finally came out to my family, I needed the therapist to address the safety, honesty and integrity of me and my family.

"I have never heard of a death certificate which cites cause of death as 'relative told him he was gay...'"

Gays and lesbians want to tell their families, but they are scared. There has to be a strong commitment to staying connected to the family in order to tell. The family has to have instilled a sense of safety for gay or lesbian children to tell something so deep and core about themselves.

My parents needed to know that. They needed to know they did a good job in raising a child who took such a risk and valued the parent-child relationship that much.

My family needed to be told that when a gay or lesbian child comes out of the closet, the family goes in the closet. The experience of saying you have a gay or lesbian child will parallel the experience of a gay person "coming out" to various people. My parents needed to know that they did not make me gay.

As a psychotherapist, I have had the luxury of meeting many different kinds of people over the last 18 years. I have treated many heterosexual men with the exact same backgrounds and childhoods as mine, and they do not have a gay bone in their bodies. This supports my belief that how one is raised has little or nothing to do with sexual orientation.

My family needed to know that being gay and telling others cannot kill someone and is not contagious. I recall relatives warning me that if I told this one or that one, it would "kill" them, that "they may decide to be gay themselves."

I have never heard of a death certificate which cites cause of death as "relative told him he was gay." Nor have I heard of a medical diagnosis classifying homosexuality as a contagious disease.

This is just ignorance and misinformation. We needed to know this. My family needed to know that 30 percent of adolescent suicides are related to sexuality issues. They needed to hear that it is OK to disagree with me and have a difference of opinion about my gayness and to talk to me openly about it.

It is acceptable to have differences in the family. It's when there is no communication and everyone stops talking about it that the risks and problems arise. Not talking leads to abandonment and total rejection.

My family would have been relieved for me to stay quiet about this part of my life at first. But I would have been miserable. And we would not have had the closeness we have now because they would not have been a part of my personal life that I have developed with my life partner.

I am always moved to tears when I hear one particular father talk about learning his son was gay. He says he had the Bible in one hand and his gay child in the other, and he did not want to get rid of either. So he worked hard at finding a way to keep both, staying loyal and true to himself and to what he believed. And he was able to have both.

He is now a PFLAG (Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays) member.

There is a song written by a man named Fred Small called Everything Possible. I think the song applies to us all. Some of the words go like this:

You can be anybody that you want to be.

You can love whomever you will.

You can travel any country where your heart leads.

And know I will love you still.

And the only measure of your words and your deeds will be the love you leave behind when you're gone.

""Our lives would be as shakey as a fiddler on the roof"

Its very therapeutic writing about my parents dysfunctional behaviour but I do understand that they grew up in a different era, they grew up and an unhappy home environment and decided to look to Judaism and the Jewish community to save them, to protect them from themselves.

In Judaism there are laws, there are rules, how to sleep, how to eat, how to wear clothes, nothing is questioned. These rules keep them in tow. In this world nothing is questioned and from the outside it looks perfect.

It is ruled by TRADITION!

[TEVYE]
Tradition, tradition! Tradition!
Tradition, tradition! Tradition!

[TEVYE & PAPAS]
Who, day and night, must scramble for a living,
Feed a wife and children, say his daily prayers?
And who has the right, as master of the house,
To have the final word at home?

The Papa, the Papa! Tradition.
The Papa, the Papa! Tradition.

[GOLDE & MAMAS]
Who must know the way to make a proper home,
A quiet home, a kosher home?
Who must raise the family and run the home,
So Papa's free to read the holy books?

The Mama, the Mama! Tradition!
The Mama, the Mama! Tradition!

[SONS]
At three, I started Hebrew school. At ten, I learned a trade.
I hear they've picked a bride for me. I hope she's pretty.

The son, the son! Tradition!
The son, the son! Tradition!

[DAUGHTERS]
And who does Mama teach to mend and tend and fix,
Preparing me to marry whoever Papa picks?

The daughter, the daughter! Tradition!
The daughter, the daughter! Tradition!

as you can also from this song - the Mama and daughters do everything - the men do NOTHING!
and Jewish men to this day are taught nothing in the kitchen are not taught to look after themselves, the kids - it is all done by the women!

Fiddler on the roof is a musical which my father loves, he knows all the words off by heart and in tern has taught it to the rest of us.

The synopsis of this story is about the old Jews in Russia, its about Tevye, a poor Jewish milkman with five daughters, explains the customs of the Jews in the Russian shtetl of Anatevka in 1905, where their lives are as precarious as the perch of a fiddler on a roof, his whole life is shaken where one of his daughters doesnt want to marry the match made for her by her father (men and women didnt meet - matches were made for them by their parents and this still exists), his other daughter marries a Polish man (marrying out of the faith is considered a contribution to the holocaust - which wasnt at that time!)

unlike my father, he eventually accepts this and gives his daughter his blessing and permission but only after he sings this song:

Rejection scene:
Papa
I beg you to accept us

[Tevye]
Accept them?
How can I accept them?
Can I deny everything I believe in?
On the other hand
Can I deny my own daughter
On the other hand
How can I turn my back on my faith
My people
If I try and bend that far
I will break
On the other hand
No There is no other hand

2010 - the world has changed, technology allows to connect with people all over the world, the internet allows us to read anything we want, people are more aware and question everything! woman can vote, woman have jobs!

I can not live in "Fiddler on the roof land"

keeping your culture is one thing, closing your mind to the new world around you is quite another!

There is an elephant in the room!

"Elephant in the room" is an English idiom for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed. The idiomatic expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss.[1]
It is based on the idea that an elephant in a room would be impossible to overlook; thus, people in the room who pretend the elephant is not there have made a choice. They are choosing to concern themselves with tangential or small and irrelevant issues rather than deal with the looming big one.

The term refers to a question, problem, solution, or controversial issue that is obvious, but which is ignored by a group of people, generally because it causes embarrassment or is taboo. The idiom can imply a value judgment that the issue ought to be discussed openly, or it can simply be an acknowledgment that the issue is there and not going to go away by itself.
The term is often used to describe an issue that involves a social taboo, such as race, religion, sexual orientation, or even suicide. This idiomatic phrase is applicable when a subject is emotionally charged; and the people who might have spoken up decide that it is probably best avoided.[4]
The idiom is commonly used in addiction recovery terminology to describe the reluctance of friends and family of an addicted person to discuss the person's problem, thus aiding the person's denial. Especially in reference to alcohol abuse, the idiom is sometimes coupled with that of the pink elephant, q.v. "the pink elephant in the room."

Dear Mother

I went to my sister's engagement party last night and because my parents dont want to even acknowledge my wedding or marriege to my partner, they treat me like their dirty little secret, unfortunately for them I am not the kind of person to keep my mouth shut, I am not that door mat or scape goat anymore.

You see every time I talk about my wedding, the subject gets changed and my mother keeps telling me how sick she is. (I know she is not dying and that if she would stop being such a child, take the damn meds the doctor has perscribed she will get well, but the fact is she doesnt want to because she knows that she will not get the attention that she is getting now)

anyways, my mother completely ignored me last, she doesnt make the effort to phone me, she doesnt make the effort to see me and I am tired of running after her. So we have not said a word to each other for a month now. This whole situation has hurt me more than I thought it ever would. We were never close but when I decided to come out the closet, she became so ashamed of me, so disgusted with me and each time I try and confront her with it she tells me to stop being nasty to her because she is sick!

I think my parents, particularly my mother would rather be at my funeral that at my wedding.

I have designed a funeral invitation for my own funeral:

YOU ARE INVITED TO ATTEND A MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR THE DECEASED:

Name, age, occupation and city of deceased.:
Name:Rachel E E...... daughter of Ian & Ros E.......
Beloved of Kath B.........sister of Mike E.....& Stace E..........

Age: Unknown

Occupation: Business Owner

Place: JHB, SA

Time & place of death & cause:

time: 12pm, place: somewhere in the world: cause: having amazing sex with her wife while in a 5 star hotel on a Greek Island

Birthdate: 9 June 1975

Survivors: Her beautiful, wonderful wife who did nothing but the best for her, adopted children, grandchildren, siblings, parents and other close relatives, her extended family and terrific friends whose friendship she could never have lived without.

Greatest achievements: Marrying the most wonderful women in the whole wide world and living authentically, Sport: achieving her 3rd degree Black belt in Taekwondo Academic:CAPM and PMP degrees

She was recognized for the special way she cared for people, for living her life authentically no matter what other people thought.
Who loved unconditionally, her love of animals, children and defending the defenseless.

Funeral, Memorial and Burial arrangements:

All Rachel’s organs have been donated to the Organ Donor foundation so that they may be put to good use if they havent been pickled.
her last wish was not to have a burial in the Jewish cemetery where all the other bigots and hypocrites lie, but to be cremated and her ashes scattered to the earth.

The ceremony: please watch this space for details as to time, place etc

She also wants everyone to celebrate her life, to dance, sing and listen to music and to have as much tequila’s as they can stomach, for this is the life she led.

would my mother receive this invitation?

My Sport

I have recently got my black recommended belt in Taekwondo, it is such an achievment for me, I am not thin person nor have I been a very confident person unless of course I have had a couple of drinks under my belt!
I have been doing this sport for 3 years going on 4 and hope to achieve my black belt next year which would be a dream come true.

I have also started assisting in the kids class which has been feeding my soul, kids are amazing little people. I have been enjoying it so much, I think it also feeds the broody side of me.

I took my photos to show my dad, he was so very proud of me so such an extent that he was glowing.

my point, Taekwondo is a very big part of my life almost as big as getting married to my partner in 3 weeks time which to me is also a milestone and an achievement.

I just cant help feeling hurt that he wants to be part of my sport but doesnt want to be part of my wedding!

To my daddy....

He told me he was done parenting, he told me I have hurt him, he told me to get over myself that he will not be attending my wedding, he told me that I have shattered his dreams, he told me that he cant accept me marrying a woman and not a man, he told me, he told me he told me….

I was told me he will come around eventually, I was told to do the right thing, I was told me that he will get used to the idea, I was told that he will feel guilty and talk to me about it again. I was told, I was told, I was told....

My dad, my dearest daddy, who man I have admired, respected, put on a pedestal, looked up to, whose wings I have wanted to protect me from the world, whose advice I have always taken and whom I love so much….

Has disappointed me and hurt me, he keeps saying how I am so much like him.
Truth is…I am not like him as much as I thought I was or even as much as he thought I was. He doesnt know me anymore.

I am open minded, I accept people for who they are even those that anger and disappoint me. I love unconditionally. I don’t sweep things under the carpet thinking that they will disappear, I don’t have high expectations of people anymore and I give second chances. I try and listen and reserve my judgement untill I have heard both sides.

I took my dad out for lunch today, even though I haven’t spoken to him or my mother for nearly a month. I put my anger and hurt and disappointment aside to just love my dad because he is going through a rough time, because I thought that he needed some support.

Dad, why cant you see what I have become? How I have grown and matured into the woman I am, how you have helped me do that? How proud you should be of me? How hurt I am that you are not going to celebrate my special day with me? How you were the one that showed me that all people are to be respected, how to always be positive when things dont go my way.

Werent you the one that told me how life is like a clean, undriven sheet of snow, becareful how you mark it because every mark will show?

Why cant you just open your eyes?

What is an O.W.L

What is an O.W.L?

In Lesbian terms its what we call an "Older Wiser Lesbian". It refers to us older girls in the lesbian community who are between 35 years and older.

I realized I was an O.W.L when I started giving advice to my newbie lesbian friends who have just come out of the closet.

What surprised me, was when did I actually become an OWL?

What does being an OWL actually mean?

for me it means being in the community that long that you have gotten the T-shirts so to speak, you have been around the block a few times and know what you are in for when dating women.

I have met them all in my 10 years of being out. I have met the straight girls who want an "experience", I have met the stalkers, the psychopaths, the manipulators, the cheaters, the players, the girls who just want to be your friend, the ex girlfriend who just wasnt that into you, girl you were not into and the girl you admired from afar. I have met the alcoholics, the hippies, the drug addicts, the chat addicts, the sms addicts, the cute girl that you just cant have, the cute girl that cant have you. I have had a long distance relationship, I have dated a few girls at a time, so personally I think that I have done my time on the dating scene.

as far as the age is concerned - yes I have been out for 10 years and it is you 'coming out' years that really count, the years you grow into a happy, confident gay person. I have had 10 years to grow and learn and make mistakes.

Wise? I suppose going through the growing pains have made me alot wiser if not a little bit cynical but wiser never the less. Wise enough to know the games lesbians play.

I believe in paying it forward and if my experience, knowledge and advice helps the next generation of newbies, I am honoured to have played my part and left my mark.

3 Months...

Three months have passed since I have been in my new job, so many new wonderful changes, new car, new house, soon-to-be-new-wife, soon-to-be-new-mother-in-law, all good changes.

Arranging a gay wedding is stressful, personally I think its for more stressful than organising a straight wedding!

1. Father of the bride paying? which father or which bride pays for the wedding? ...erm generally they dont pay at all the brides pay for themselves!

2. The person marrying us? well you would be surprised how hard it is to find a non-nominational, non-religious person to marry a non-practicing jew and a non-practicing christian! the Rabbi will marry 2 gay jews and the priest will marry 2 gay christians, lets not even talk about the pagens who will not marry a jew and a christian who do not fully practice paganism!

3. The gifts? well we have been living together for 2 years and have established our home, we not need more toasters, towls and crockery - give us vouchers or money by all means!

4. The guest list? why do people think that this is a gay birthday party, jeez people its a fully paid for wedding what part of "you are not allowed to bring any old date that we havent met" do you not understand!

5.Family? aaaah family, I wish I was able to choose my family. I am not sure why a same-sex wedding would cause such incredible animosity but lets not go there.

Straight people have it good when organsing a wedding!

BRIDEZILLA and her project plan!

I found this 6 month plan on the internet which is fab!

Six Months in Advance of Your Lesbian Wedding:
* Pick a date
* Tell Friends and Family of your intentions
* Throw an Engagement Party
* Begin Notebook or other organization system to keep track of estimates, ideas and to-do lists.
* Make a guest list
* Plan theme or tone of wedding
* Hire Wedding Planner (if you're using one)
* Make a preliminary Budget
* Meet with potential officiants
* Meet with lawyer to draw up paperwork -- especially in places that do not have gay marriage or civil unions.
* Visit potential locations for ceremony and reception and sign contract (Note popular places are often booked more than one year in advance.)
* Visit a bridal show or start getting estimates for
1. Florist
2. Caterer
3. Photographer or videographer
4. DJ or Musicians
5. Invitation printing

Three to Four Months before Your Lesbian Wedding:
* Order wedding invitations
* Send "save the date" announcements to out of town guests
* Shop for and buy wedding rings
* Decide what you're going to wear and order wedding dresses, tuxes, or special outfits
* Shop for and taste wedding cakes
* Register for Gifts
* Reserve limos if you're going to use them
* Arrange for accommodations for out of town guests
* Reserve wedding night room for bride & bride
* Decide on wedding party members
* Choose and set menu with caterer
* Sign contracts with photographer, florist, DJ or musicians
* Start planning honeymoon

Two to Three Months Before Your Lesbian Wedding:
* Mail invitations
* Write vows
* Attend bridal shower
* Finalize ceremony with officiant
* Order wedding cake
* Schedule wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner
* Purchase wedding attire
* If you're going to change your names, file paperwork

One to Two Months Before Your Lesbian Wedding:
* Work out music selection with DJ
* Finalize ceremony
* Finalize honeymoon plans
* Meet with photographer to plan shot list
* Buy gifts for attendants
* Confirm menu and number of guests with caterer
* Apply for marriage license, civil union certificate or domestic partnership paperwork
* Send thank you cards as gifts come in
* Contact any guests who have not RSVPed

The Last Two Weeks Before Your Lesbian Wedding:
* Make sure your still want to get married (kidding!)
* Reconfirm all arrangements, including times of set-up and delivery with music, photographer, caterers, wedding site and car service
* Write and rehearse toasts for rehearsal dinner and wedding dinner
* Finalize honeymoon plans, including arranging pet sitting, etc while gone
* Assign day of wedding responsibilities to your wedding party
* Attend rehearsal and rehearsal dinner
* Try on your wedding attire and make sure it all still fits
* Do something special for yourself, like a manicure or massage
* Try to get sleep, so you're rested for the big day

The Wedding day:
* Walk down the aisle
* Live happily ever after!

Help! I'm turning into BRIDEZILLA!!

I have just realized that I am getting married in 6 months and there is so much to organize! so much to think about!

Weddings and festivities seem to bring out the best and worst in people. I have already had a fight with my sister, about to give the rest of my family a invitation and an ultimatum, as you can imagine being a lesbian is o.k. as long as no-one knows about it and its not announced to the world, which is precisely what I am doing, announcing to the world that I love my girl!

There is something very powerful about proclaiming your intentions in front the people in your life.

Getting married is a great excuse to throw a big party and have a lot of fun!

Planning a straight wedding is one thing there are rules, and procedures that have been followed for centuries.

But how does one plan a gay / lesbian wedding?

Is there a best man? or best woman? does someone wear the suit and someone the dress?
if you are not a virgin do you have to wear white?

What about the venue, if we arrange it at a formal location, will they be open to a whole bunch of gay and lesbian hooligans and a lesbian wedding ceremony on their premises.
Will the staff of the venue snigger behind our backs?

if the photographer is male as they generally are, he get a hard on by taking photos of two lesbians kiss?

What do you do about a first dance? who leads if neither of you are butch nor femme?

Does one throw a bouquet or a garter?

What does one do with a bachelor or a hen party? Do we have one together? do we have one separately so that the guys that are invited don’t feel left out.

One thing that I have learnt, communicate with your fiance and learn to negotiate!

Personally I think we should run off to Las Vegas come home to a family dinner and say "pass the salt, we got married"!

On bended knee!

I proposed to my girl on bended knee and all!

Why? People have asked. Are you insane? People have said. Why conform to the rest of heterosexual society surely us gay / lesbian people do not have to conform to the rest of the world?

This was not a rash decision, this was not a decision made in the “after –glow” of sex, you know those decisions you make after having a great orgasm? you look at your lover, tell her you love her and ask her to marry you!

Nope this was a well thought out and planned decision.

Here are just a few of reasons to get married that people do not know about:

Couples marrying in terms of the Civil Union Act may choose whether their union is called a civil partnership or a marriage partnership.

Couples joined in a marriage partnership in terms of that act enjoy the same privileges as couples married in terms of the Marriage Act.

Transfer, Bereavement Leave, Burial Determination, Child Custody , Crime Victim’s Recovery Benefits
Divorce Protections, Domestic Violence Protection, Exemption from Property Tax on Partner’s Death
Immunity from Testifying Against Spouse, Insurance Breaks, Joint Adoption and Foster Care
Joint Bankruptcy, Joint Parenting (Insurance Coverage, School Records), Medical Decisions on Behalf of Partner
Certain Property Rights , Sick Leave to Care for Partner, Visitation of Partner’s Children
Wrongful Death (Loss of Consort) Benefits, Insurance Breaks, Medical Decisions on Behalf of Partner
Tax Breaks and Visitation of Partner in Hospital or Prison

As well as a logical decision this was also a decision of love, and of being in love and waking up with the realization that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. The person you want to grow old with and get your blue rinses at the same hairdresser at the age of 80.

Not many people get to feel this way about someone, I thank the universe every day for having someone like her in my life, she makes the craziness of my family more bearable and my life livable.

And now let me get back to my wedding arrangements…

Work.

I have resigned from my boring help desk job and move forward to a wonderful new career...I have been in an openly gay friendly company where the 10% of the gay/lesbian people in South Africa work for this company, the CEO when interviewing says to the candidates that if they have a problem with gay people then the company is not the place for them.

I have really enjoyed my company from this aspect, being an out lesbian it was really great being able to be myself without that fear of "what if someone finds out!"

As a parting gift I have awarded Mr Men and Little Ms Characters to my company and team.

Mr. "I'm working from home" A.K.A Mr. “Boss” - he is really on the golf course or in his garden.

Mr. "Nice Guy" - nice because the HR person told him to be.

Little Ms "Work-a-holic" - she doesn't have a life and too afraid to get one.

Mr. "Cool" A.K.A Mr. "Debt" he has a new hairstyle each week and drives buys the things he doesn’t need with the money he doesn’t have.

Little Miss "Label” – she is closely related to Mr. “Debt” you will also see her in designer wear, new hairstyles and new shoes all bought on credit of course.

Little Miss “Gossip” – this needs no explanation.

Mr. “Gossip” – hangs out with Little Miss “Gossip” and knows a lot more information than she does.

Little Miss “Kiss Ass” A.K.A Little Miss “Company Bicycle” – she literally kisses ass and as much of it as possible, her close friend is Mr. “I promise- you- a- promotion- if –you- blow –me”.

Mr. “Give-me-a-hug” A.K.A Mr. “Sexual Harasser” – who pretends to just need a hug but assures you that you are not his type and he is married with 3.5 kids.

Little Miss “Perfect” A.K.A Little Miss “Megalomaniac” – her close friend is Little
Miss “Kiss Ass” – usually in a management position never wants to delegate work for fear of having it done better than her.

Mr. “Lazy” – he hangs around the coffee machine and spends time with Mr. “Stupid”, he is always late and loves sending other people email about not doing his tasks or gets Mr. “Stupid” to complete them for him.

Mr.” Politician” A.K.A Mr. “Backstabber” – he hangs around the senior manager's offices, plays golf and has lunches in order for him to get the top job whilst not having to work for it.

Little Miss “Helpful” A.K.A Little Miss “Can’t say NO”– the most wonderful person in the office, also the most used and abused.

Little Miss “Office Furniture” – she has been at the company for years , she has been doing the same thing for years and is not about to leave until she dies in her chair.

Mr. “Hypochondriac “ – he spends most of his day telling everyone about his aches and pains and usually they are worse than yours!

Little Miss and Mr. “Party Animals” – they spend their time drinking and getting stoned. They go to company parties just for the free drinks and food.

Mr. “Loud” – what is that old saying about empty vessels?

Little Miss “Silent” – she daydreams about bring an AK47 to the office and killing them all.

Mr. “Office Clown” A.K.A Mr. “Attention Seeker” – no explanation, tends to be ignored by the rest of the company, people don’t laugh with him they laugh at him.

Little Miss “Honest and Reliable” and Mr. “Honest and Reliable – these are very sought after, prehistoric creatures and a company would be honoured to have one of these.

I am going to miss them all.

So Im Engayged!

Well I proposed to my girlfriend, my lover, my best friend, my angel on bended knee with poem and rose in hand!

I have such feelings of elation and love knowing that she wants to spend the rest of her life listening to me snore.

She wants to spend the rest of her life loving me and I am going to spend the rest of my life loving her.

I have not stopped smiling since she said yes, I have been on a "love" high for the last month!

SA is one of 7 countries in the world where gay / lesbian marriage is legal and where we have rights. I am so thankful that I can share my love for my same-sex partner, there are so many people who have died for their beliefs and this cause.

people ask how does one know when to take that next step, my personal answer to myself was when my brain, heart and loins were all on the same page about the same person that's when I knew it was time.

I look forward to many happy moments with my wife to be and hope we can live to the age where we will look cool in purple hats!