Emotional Abuse - Break the cycle!

The past couple of days and I have been trying to understand my family's reaction to my getting married and its led me to alot of scary conclusions which has led me to do alot of research on the internet about emotional abuse and perhaps I might need to go back to therapy!
Below is the information that I have found:

What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Types of Emotional Abuse

Abusive Expectations

The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

Aggressing

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.

Constant Chaos

The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.

Denying

Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.

Dominating

Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail

The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
Invalidation

The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation

Minimizing

Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.
Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.

Unpredictable Responses

Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.
This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.
An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.
Verbal Assaults

· Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening

· Excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.

· Blowing your flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abuser are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt , fear, and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings, and self-perceptions.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

This is what emotionally abusive parents do to teens. They teach them that they don't matter. They teach them their feelings aren't important. They teach them not to even try to fill their own needs. They teach them that their lives are worth nothing. They teach that they are of no use to anyone and they are only a burden. Then teach them not to ask for help. They teach them to feel guilty for having needs. – “the words it doesn’t matter, I am fine”



Healthy basic needs in a relationship:
The need for good will from the others.
The need for emotional support.
The need to be heard by the other and to be responded to with respect and acceptance
The need to have your own view, even if others have a different view.
The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes or actions you find offensive.
The need for clear, honest and informative answers to questions about what affects you.
The need for freedom from accusation, interrogation and blame.
The need to live free from criticism and judgment.
The need to have your work and your interests respected.
The need for encouragement.
The need for freedom from emotional and physical threat.
The need for freedom from from angry outburst and rage.
The need for freedom from labels which devalue you.
The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
The need to have your final decisions accepted.
The need for privacy at times.

I have chosen to be aware and I work very hard to break this cycle of abuse!
I choose to love myself!
and I choose to be loved!

Response to a family member!

Below is just how much my girl loves me and is hurting too!

Dearest J*,

I respectfully plead that you cease to share the *Family* toxic goings on with R*

She doesn’t need to hear it, and I am sure it is not intended to be shared with her either, and if intended for her, can be said directly to her by her mom and dad. This constant reel of feedback about all their heartbreak, anger, disappoint and disapproval is just keeping these wounds raw, bleeding and open. Time to let things heal.

I know what is going on and has been said, and trust me, the versions you have been given are highly exaggerated, and I can only guess it is to mask their own guilt. There is a great love for the dramatic in that family, R* included. I* and R* are in no way innocent of their own passive aggressive mudslinging either.

Do not, for a single second, believe R* would ever have come to our wedding. That is their method of deflection for their own shame, they need some tangible reason to now vindicate them in their actions. What R*said to her Mom was in no way inflamatory. And if, for a moment, we pretend R* was going to come, I cannot fathom the level of pettiness and sheer nastiness that she would then renege because of something so small, to punish her daughter, to punish R*?!?!?!?! That would almost be a greater indictment on them, than just saying no and staying away as they are. We will not buy into any of it.

R* has every right to be angry, she need not appologies to anyone for her emotions, or be chastised for them. She has done no wrong, other than love me, and want an authentic life for herself, supported by her friends and family. Why must she be silent, and treat their ill feelings as a priority over her hurt? I see no reason she should. I have always played devils advocate with her, and tried to get her to see all sides. I have reached a point where I cannot see the other point of view, it is unfathomable. And it does matter, it is not a “So What” moment. It matters now, it will matter on the day, and it will always mater, and always be remembered.

You may react in anger towards me for my email, that is ok. We are all full of emotions at the moment. It is definitely my place to say something, and I have held my tongue enough now. Rach and I have a wonderful supportive, accepting, embracing family. My parents love her dearly, as do my sister, brother, neices, nephew, Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and even the extended family of in-laws on my sisters side, her parents loss, will become all of our absolute gain. And they will loose, they have already, and it is beyond repair, and that is entirely of their own doing, and any attempt to deflect and blame anyone else will definitely be seen right through as just that by us.

I love you, and thank you for being such a support to R*, and for loving her. This is not your fight, you cannot be the mediator without risking taking sides, which is not necessary to do when you love them all.
Let’s all focus on the good stuff now, and lets talk about and share the positives, and stop giving so much life and energy to the negative.

Much Love
C*

Letter to my parents

I found this letter that I wrote to my folks one night:

Hi,
Just wanted to write to you and tell u both how much I love u. Life is so short, we would love u both to cone to our wedding. I know u think its wrong and its not want u want for me. I am so happy. C* is my life partner, I would probably be dead if it wasn't for her. And that is the gods honest truth, she has truly changed my life. I am a different person I am a changed person, I have a reason for living. I want to spend the rest of life loving her and I want you and mom to witness the love we have for each other.
I hope you read this and think about it. I am not asking you to be at the ceremony if you don't want to but please come to the reception and experience the best day of my life.
I love you both dearly.
Xxx
I know that I don't live the life that u choose for me, but it is the life that I have chosen.
Xxx
Please re-consider you keep telling me that life is too short.
Love always
R*

FAMILIES, LOVE, ISOLATION AND ACCEPTANCE

FAMILIES, LOVE, ISOLATION AND ACCEPTANCE (author unknown)


Saturday, 26 June 2010


Of all the relationships that we will encounter in our lifetime, our family ties are usually the most intense, tightly organised and consist of the strongest loyalties. We want to stay connected to our families and so we nurture and protect these relationships.

There is comfort and a feeling of safety in having a history with these people and seeing the similarities we have with one another. So imagine what it is like to tell your family that you are lesbian or gay. That you are a minority in your own family.

Imagine your fear of introducing something so different and sometimes despised. Imagine fearing that not only will you lose the support and respect of society but also the respect and love of your own family. It is chilling.

My father likes to proudly shout "Gansa Mishpachah!" when he knows the "whole family" is coming together. He loves it. But there was a time when that shout was not as proudly declared and having "Gansa Mishpachah" meant tension.

I told my parents I was gay when I was 18. It was one of the most frightening things I ever did. I felt I could have lost everything. At the time there were no role models, nothing to give me direction in how to proceed with this. I was alone.

I had nothing at the time other than therapists and literature telling me and my parents that I was gay because of how I was raised. So, you can imagine the pain, guilt and devastation when I told them.

I tried to tell my mother originally at the age of 15, during the Chanukah season. I was driving with my driver's permit and we were on the expressway. My timing was not great. I started crying, telling her I had something awful to tell her.

I started by telling her I was different. I could not go on. She lovingly touched my shoulder and told me that everything would be fine, and she gave me some Chanukah money. She then got me in therapy.

Although the first therapist I had pathologised my gayness, he at least provided me with a safe forum to talk about it at length, which totally desensitised me. I needed this. But I needed more.

What did I need as a gay teenager? I needed to be applauded for the courage to talk about it at all. I needed to explore my sexuality without someone telling me that being straight was a better way to be. I needed to be told that my mother did a good thing by taking me to therapy.

I really believe that. Later she would tell me that she had some idea that I was gay but did not know what to do about it. She felt that when you do not know what to do, you ask for help. And, knowing she had limitations on what to do with this subject, she did get me help.

When I finally came out to my family, I needed the therapist to address the safety, honesty and integrity of me and my family.

"I have never heard of a death certificate which cites cause of death as 'relative told him he was gay...'"

Gays and lesbians want to tell their families, but they are scared. There has to be a strong commitment to staying connected to the family in order to tell. The family has to have instilled a sense of safety for gay or lesbian children to tell something so deep and core about themselves.

My parents needed to know that. They needed to know they did a good job in raising a child who took such a risk and valued the parent-child relationship that much.

My family needed to be told that when a gay or lesbian child comes out of the closet, the family goes in the closet. The experience of saying you have a gay or lesbian child will parallel the experience of a gay person "coming out" to various people. My parents needed to know that they did not make me gay.

As a psychotherapist, I have had the luxury of meeting many different kinds of people over the last 18 years. I have treated many heterosexual men with the exact same backgrounds and childhoods as mine, and they do not have a gay bone in their bodies. This supports my belief that how one is raised has little or nothing to do with sexual orientation.

My family needed to know that being gay and telling others cannot kill someone and is not contagious. I recall relatives warning me that if I told this one or that one, it would "kill" them, that "they may decide to be gay themselves."

I have never heard of a death certificate which cites cause of death as "relative told him he was gay." Nor have I heard of a medical diagnosis classifying homosexuality as a contagious disease.

This is just ignorance and misinformation. We needed to know this. My family needed to know that 30 percent of adolescent suicides are related to sexuality issues. They needed to hear that it is OK to disagree with me and have a difference of opinion about my gayness and to talk to me openly about it.

It is acceptable to have differences in the family. It's when there is no communication and everyone stops talking about it that the risks and problems arise. Not talking leads to abandonment and total rejection.

My family would have been relieved for me to stay quiet about this part of my life at first. But I would have been miserable. And we would not have had the closeness we have now because they would not have been a part of my personal life that I have developed with my life partner.

I am always moved to tears when I hear one particular father talk about learning his son was gay. He says he had the Bible in one hand and his gay child in the other, and he did not want to get rid of either. So he worked hard at finding a way to keep both, staying loyal and true to himself and to what he believed. And he was able to have both.

He is now a PFLAG (Parents, Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays) member.

There is a song written by a man named Fred Small called Everything Possible. I think the song applies to us all. Some of the words go like this:

You can be anybody that you want to be.

You can love whomever you will.

You can travel any country where your heart leads.

And know I will love you still.

And the only measure of your words and your deeds will be the love you leave behind when you're gone.

""Our lives would be as shakey as a fiddler on the roof"

Its very therapeutic writing about my parents dysfunctional behaviour but I do understand that they grew up in a different era, they grew up and an unhappy home environment and decided to look to Judaism and the Jewish community to save them, to protect them from themselves.

In Judaism there are laws, there are rules, how to sleep, how to eat, how to wear clothes, nothing is questioned. These rules keep them in tow. In this world nothing is questioned and from the outside it looks perfect.

It is ruled by TRADITION!

[TEVYE]
Tradition, tradition! Tradition!
Tradition, tradition! Tradition!

[TEVYE & PAPAS]
Who, day and night, must scramble for a living,
Feed a wife and children, say his daily prayers?
And who has the right, as master of the house,
To have the final word at home?

The Papa, the Papa! Tradition.
The Papa, the Papa! Tradition.

[GOLDE & MAMAS]
Who must know the way to make a proper home,
A quiet home, a kosher home?
Who must raise the family and run the home,
So Papa's free to read the holy books?

The Mama, the Mama! Tradition!
The Mama, the Mama! Tradition!

[SONS]
At three, I started Hebrew school. At ten, I learned a trade.
I hear they've picked a bride for me. I hope she's pretty.

The son, the son! Tradition!
The son, the son! Tradition!

[DAUGHTERS]
And who does Mama teach to mend and tend and fix,
Preparing me to marry whoever Papa picks?

The daughter, the daughter! Tradition!
The daughter, the daughter! Tradition!

as you can also from this song - the Mama and daughters do everything - the men do NOTHING!
and Jewish men to this day are taught nothing in the kitchen are not taught to look after themselves, the kids - it is all done by the women!

Fiddler on the roof is a musical which my father loves, he knows all the words off by heart and in tern has taught it to the rest of us.

The synopsis of this story is about the old Jews in Russia, its about Tevye, a poor Jewish milkman with five daughters, explains the customs of the Jews in the Russian shtetl of Anatevka in 1905, where their lives are as precarious as the perch of a fiddler on a roof, his whole life is shaken where one of his daughters doesnt want to marry the match made for her by her father (men and women didnt meet - matches were made for them by their parents and this still exists), his other daughter marries a Polish man (marrying out of the faith is considered a contribution to the holocaust - which wasnt at that time!)

unlike my father, he eventually accepts this and gives his daughter his blessing and permission but only after he sings this song:

Rejection scene:
Papa
I beg you to accept us

[Tevye]
Accept them?
How can I accept them?
Can I deny everything I believe in?
On the other hand
Can I deny my own daughter
On the other hand
How can I turn my back on my faith
My people
If I try and bend that far
I will break
On the other hand
No There is no other hand

2010 - the world has changed, technology allows to connect with people all over the world, the internet allows us to read anything we want, people are more aware and question everything! woman can vote, woman have jobs!

I can not live in "Fiddler on the roof land"

keeping your culture is one thing, closing your mind to the new world around you is quite another!

There is an elephant in the room!

"Elephant in the room" is an English idiom for an obvious truth that is being ignored or goes unaddressed. The idiomatic expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss.[1]
It is based on the idea that an elephant in a room would be impossible to overlook; thus, people in the room who pretend the elephant is not there have made a choice. They are choosing to concern themselves with tangential or small and irrelevant issues rather than deal with the looming big one.

The term refers to a question, problem, solution, or controversial issue that is obvious, but which is ignored by a group of people, generally because it causes embarrassment or is taboo. The idiom can imply a value judgment that the issue ought to be discussed openly, or it can simply be an acknowledgment that the issue is there and not going to go away by itself.
The term is often used to describe an issue that involves a social taboo, such as race, religion, sexual orientation, or even suicide. This idiomatic phrase is applicable when a subject is emotionally charged; and the people who might have spoken up decide that it is probably best avoided.[4]
The idiom is commonly used in addiction recovery terminology to describe the reluctance of friends and family of an addicted person to discuss the person's problem, thus aiding the person's denial. Especially in reference to alcohol abuse, the idiom is sometimes coupled with that of the pink elephant, q.v. "the pink elephant in the room."

Dear Mother

I went to my sister's engagement party last night and because my parents dont want to even acknowledge my wedding or marriege to my partner, they treat me like their dirty little secret, unfortunately for them I am not the kind of person to keep my mouth shut, I am not that door mat or scape goat anymore.

You see every time I talk about my wedding, the subject gets changed and my mother keeps telling me how sick she is. (I know she is not dying and that if she would stop being such a child, take the damn meds the doctor has perscribed she will get well, but the fact is she doesnt want to because she knows that she will not get the attention that she is getting now)

anyways, my mother completely ignored me last, she doesnt make the effort to phone me, she doesnt make the effort to see me and I am tired of running after her. So we have not said a word to each other for a month now. This whole situation has hurt me more than I thought it ever would. We were never close but when I decided to come out the closet, she became so ashamed of me, so disgusted with me and each time I try and confront her with it she tells me to stop being nasty to her because she is sick!

I think my parents, particularly my mother would rather be at my funeral that at my wedding.

I have designed a funeral invitation for my own funeral:

YOU ARE INVITED TO ATTEND A MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR THE DECEASED:

Name, age, occupation and city of deceased.:
Name:Rachel E E...... daughter of Ian & Ros E.......
Beloved of Kath B.........sister of Mike E.....& Stace E..........

Age: Unknown

Occupation: Business Owner

Place: JHB, SA

Time & place of death & cause:

time: 12pm, place: somewhere in the world: cause: having amazing sex with her wife while in a 5 star hotel on a Greek Island

Birthdate: 9 June 1975

Survivors: Her beautiful, wonderful wife who did nothing but the best for her, adopted children, grandchildren, siblings, parents and other close relatives, her extended family and terrific friends whose friendship she could never have lived without.

Greatest achievements: Marrying the most wonderful women in the whole wide world and living authentically, Sport: achieving her 3rd degree Black belt in Taekwondo Academic:CAPM and PMP degrees

She was recognized for the special way she cared for people, for living her life authentically no matter what other people thought.
Who loved unconditionally, her love of animals, children and defending the defenseless.

Funeral, Memorial and Burial arrangements:

All Rachel’s organs have been donated to the Organ Donor foundation so that they may be put to good use if they havent been pickled.
her last wish was not to have a burial in the Jewish cemetery where all the other bigots and hypocrites lie, but to be cremated and her ashes scattered to the earth.

The ceremony: please watch this space for details as to time, place etc

She also wants everyone to celebrate her life, to dance, sing and listen to music and to have as much tequila’s as they can stomach, for this is the life she led.

would my mother receive this invitation?

My Sport

I have recently got my black recommended belt in Taekwondo, it is such an achievment for me, I am not thin person nor have I been a very confident person unless of course I have had a couple of drinks under my belt!
I have been doing this sport for 3 years going on 4 and hope to achieve my black belt next year which would be a dream come true.

I have also started assisting in the kids class which has been feeding my soul, kids are amazing little people. I have been enjoying it so much, I think it also feeds the broody side of me.

I took my photos to show my dad, he was so very proud of me so such an extent that he was glowing.

my point, Taekwondo is a very big part of my life almost as big as getting married to my partner in 3 weeks time which to me is also a milestone and an achievement.

I just cant help feeling hurt that he wants to be part of my sport but doesnt want to be part of my wedding!

To my daddy....

He told me he was done parenting, he told me I have hurt him, he told me to get over myself that he will not be attending my wedding, he told me that I have shattered his dreams, he told me that he cant accept me marrying a woman and not a man, he told me, he told me he told me….

I was told me he will come around eventually, I was told to do the right thing, I was told me that he will get used to the idea, I was told that he will feel guilty and talk to me about it again. I was told, I was told, I was told....

My dad, my dearest daddy, who man I have admired, respected, put on a pedestal, looked up to, whose wings I have wanted to protect me from the world, whose advice I have always taken and whom I love so much….

Has disappointed me and hurt me, he keeps saying how I am so much like him.
Truth is…I am not like him as much as I thought I was or even as much as he thought I was. He doesnt know me anymore.

I am open minded, I accept people for who they are even those that anger and disappoint me. I love unconditionally. I don’t sweep things under the carpet thinking that they will disappear, I don’t have high expectations of people anymore and I give second chances. I try and listen and reserve my judgement untill I have heard both sides.

I took my dad out for lunch today, even though I haven’t spoken to him or my mother for nearly a month. I put my anger and hurt and disappointment aside to just love my dad because he is going through a rough time, because I thought that he needed some support.

Dad, why cant you see what I have become? How I have grown and matured into the woman I am, how you have helped me do that? How proud you should be of me? How hurt I am that you are not going to celebrate my special day with me? How you were the one that showed me that all people are to be respected, how to always be positive when things dont go my way.

Werent you the one that told me how life is like a clean, undriven sheet of snow, becareful how you mark it because every mark will show?

Why cant you just open your eyes?