Grief and Loss

It’s so strange they say that getting divorced is quite similar to death except that with death you never get to see the person again and don’t get to talk to them about the things left unsaid.
As a lesbian, I am not sure why straight people think that getting divorced or going through a break up is any different to the heartbreak that that they experience and go through after all we are all human.
We all have to go through that grieving stage when it comes to loss, fortunately I haven’t experienced much of death but I have been through a divorce and a loss of a relationship.
There are 7 stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of grieving is not complete, and cannot be complete. Thus there will be no healing. A person MUST go through the 7 stages to be well again, to heal. Not everyone goes through the stages at the same time. It is different for each person. You cannot force a person through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step forward then take two steps backward, but this is all part of the process, and individual to each person. But, as stressed, ALL 7 stages must be completed for healing to occur.
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.


5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
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My personal experience is getting the closure with a divorce, knowing that you can meet up with the person or people and feel at peace with no feelings of anger, hurt depression or negativity.
Feeling complete, that if it wasn’t for them you wouldn’t be the person you are today and thanking them for what you learnt from the time that you spent with them.

The gay and lesbian rules

Not that we agree with all of it, but here goes:

Every gay guy should own or have watched Beautiful Thing.
Every girl should own or watch “Boys don’t Cry”

Bad hair days are not something that can be allowed to happen to a gay man. Lesbians are, of course, exempt and even encouraged to think otherwise.
Bad hair days happen to lesbians too! Lucky we look good in hats, caps and other head accessories!

It is a gay man's right to get invites to both the Hen and Stag nights.
It is a lesbians right to get invited to both Hen and Stag nights.all lesbians should have an entourage, a group of friends, they love and hate at the same time

When spreading rumours it is okay to exaggerate the truth, as long as it makes the rumour more interesting. for sure! And as long as it’s not about you!

It is okay to be late; the heterosexuals just expect it from us. Don't make another homosexual wait too long though because it's a miracle that they are even ready on time.

When out, it is your legal duty to distract the ugly friend of some hottie with whom your best friend is trying to score. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your friend is forbidden to speak of it.

Similarly, you should always rescue a fellow homo from the clutches of any undesirable. Put your arm around him and act as their boyfriend./ girlfriend

When out, you are expected to sing along to every Britney, Christina, or Madonna song and to know every word.
For the girls K.D. Lang, Melissa Etheridge and The Indigo girls will do!

Before dating a fellow homo's ex, you are required to ask his permission. If they say no you are allowed to date them anyway.
For the girls as long as the said ex only finds out at least 3 months later!

Straight men who say they're okay with gay people but don't try to hook up with them need to be watched closely because they can't be trusted. –
for the girls – watch out for those female colleagues who want to tell you their life story, including their one and only lesbian experience as well as the unexpected lesbian ones!

If a homo's zipper is down, reach in and give his willy a shake.
Girls if a girls zipper is down and if she is hot make sure you let her know, buy her a drink and ask for her number as she should oblige knowing that you have saved her from utter humiliation and embarrassment

When a homo asks you to help him move house laugh in their face.
For the girls – when asked to help move house – bring the bakkie, a couple of butchies and beer let’s do this!

A straight guy who is drunk is still considered off limits even if he is coming on to you like a two dollar whore. –
a married, straight hot woman with 3 kids and a body to die for is off limits (unless she promises to divorce said husband and give you the full parental rights !) and even though she is hanging on your shoulder, holding your hand, and coming onto you like a two dollar whore!

Nevertheless, spooning drunk straight guys is not only acceptable, but strongly encouraged. –
cuddling, the said drunk hot married women with 3 kids and the body to die for is acceptable!

Only drink fruity chick drinks. Drinking beer is for hetero men and we're above that.
Never drink fruity chick drinks – those are for the homo boys, Whiskey, Beer and tequila shooters are the way in to being accepted to the lesbian parties!

When fighting a fellow homo degrade them verbally till you can't anymore and then commence hitting like a girl. –
When fighting a fellow lesbian – be sure to always throw the 1st verbal insult followed by a punch in the nose, make sure she is down and can’t sue you for assault!

Thou shall worship Karen Walker.
They shalt worship Ellen Degeneress

Honour thy fag hag. –
Honour thy “Let pet”

Do not sleep with your fag hag's boyfriend. If and only if he makes the first move, making out and copping a quick feel are acceptable.
Do not sleep with your “Let Pet” or said “Let Pet”’s girlfriend, occasional drunken making out is acceptable – make sure that they know not to fall in love with you!

Never hesitate to reach for the last anything. We're gay and we deserve it.

When in the bathroom it's OK to sneak a peak at your neighbour’s goodies, just don't get caught!
When in the gym it is ok to peak at your neighbours gorgeous goodies, just don’t get caught!

Do not take the name of Cher in vain.
Do not take the name K.D. Lang in vain!

Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his boyfriend, you must attempt to get a piece of the action or swear you'll tell his boyfriend.
Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on her girlfriend,expecting said friend to take you out for breakfast for the next 3 months is acceptable.

The morning after you and a fellow homo who was formerly "just a friend" have drunken doggie sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
Girls – do not MAKE A DECISION DURING OR AFTER P.O.G (post orgasmic glow) let the feeling subside and make sure you are sober before you ask the “just a friend” to move in, marry you or have your children next week!

Don't hit on straight guys. This rule is null and void if the straight guy in question is making homophobic remarks or just being a dick in general and needs to be put in his place. In this situation a light slap on the ass is acceptable.
Do not hit on straight chics. This rule is null and void if the straight chic is making bad lesbian jokes, singing I kissed a girl and liked it or simply just being a total bitch. A small boob brush is acceptable!

Under no circumstances shall a gay man ever shop at Mr Price.
For some of the girls its ok to shop at Mr Price due to the fact that we earn much less than the gay men!

It is perfectly acceptable to mock straight men for sleeping with women. The same is not true for lesbians as they are the bodyguards of the gay community.

You should aim to be fluent in one of the following subjects: fashion, dance music, show tunes, or interior decorating.
A lesbian should aim to be fluent in the following subjects: Plumbing, Mechanics, Electronics or Woodwork

A significant period of time without gay sex may result in being downgraded to simply "amusing". Or perhaps straight!

You may not call someone your boyfriend unless he is also aware of the fact that he is your boyfriend.
You may not call someone your girlfriend unless she is also aware of the fact that she is your girlfriend and definitely do NOT call her a girlfriend until such time as you have “connected on all levels”!

There is a statute of limitations on being "bi-sexual" of two years. After the statute has expired you must choose a team, or be randomly assigned one based on your hotness.
This goes for the girls too!

Being gay also makes you a diva. This entitles you to bitch, whine, complain and just generally piss and moan about how things/people are not up to your standards. This goes for the girls too! We are gay therefore we are allowed to be picky!

Gay "seniority" is determined by length of time you have been out not by age. This is a fact!
Nothing worse then being with a 40 year old who has been out for 6 months and is still behaving like an 18 year old or worse trying to drink and drug like one!!

The word fabulous is a word of gay creation. Straight men who use it more than twice in their life are automatically assumed to be homo by association.
However straight or women or lesbians who use it obviously have gay men as friends which socially accepted in the community.

An orgy is not considered a "group date".
Lesbians don’t mention this out aloud in company unless they want to be known as the town “bicycle”
Porn is for sharing.
Girls - Gay male porn is for sharing!

Pride is not compulsory, although nevertheless a Doctor's note is required for non-attendance.
Lesbians Agree!
Desperate Housewives, The Tudors and Brothers & Sisters are compulsory viewing.
“The L Word” “Oprah”, “Ellen Degeneres”, “Survivor” and “WWE Wrestling” (for the butches) , “the Fashion channel” ( because some of girls really do need some assistance!) are compulsory viewing.

Always consult to check what your friends are wearing before you leave the house, as inadvertently choosing the same outfit will make other people think you are a couple.
Girls please check the lastest hair styles and fashion, going out in a tack suit or having your hair in a mullet style is an absolute NO NO please consult your nearest gay man!!

Strange questions asked to lesbians/gay people!

In the last couple of years since coming out the closet, I have been asked some of the weirdest questions by heterosexual people, some have been ignorant, some have been intelligent, some have been curious and some have been darn right rude!
I am not sure why people ask such strange questions, we dont examine the lives of heterosexual people! There are times where I feel like a mouse in a scientific lab.

Do you have a secret handshake?

Don’t you want a real man?

Can I watch?

Can I join?

Once you have had me you will change

Is it easy to spot a gay person?

How do you do it?

Do you use toys?

What about penetration? lesbians dont experience 'real' penetration.

Is homosexual love the same as heterosexual love?

Is homosexuality natural?

How can lesbians and gay men be good parents?

How do they become parents?

Do gay people molest of recruit children?

Is there discrimination?

Why is there such self hatred?
A few years ago, you moved in with a woman, after leaving the a man. Do you find it easier living with a woman than a man because you have more in common?

You can use the same bathroom in movie theaters, for instance.

Can you share clothes?

Does she watch sports on TV?

Do you think of her as the male figure in the relationship?

Asked to me by a straight girl: am I your type? if I said No - she said - why not I am a woman! Do lesbians have types?

Where do lesbians meet other lesbians, at strip clubs?

Why do gay men act "weird"?

Do lesbians watch porn?

Its obvious how two women can be together, it because they like the same thing in bed right?

How do you know you are a lesbian?

I have this friend, who has this friend who is lesbian..are you erm single?

(assuming that all homo’s get along)

Being a lesbian is what you chose? (who the hell would choose this?)

Not sure whether I would answer these questions without A. wanting to smack them really hard over the head or B. Make a lot of fun out of these kinds of people or C. perhaps have some patience with their ignorance